Two and a Half Men is (was ((<– hopefully!!))) the worst show on television. I have watched maybe a total of 20 minutes total of the show and laughed negative times. Finding out that my parents actually ENJOYED this show resulted in the only time I’ve ever been officially embarrassed that they are my parents. (Editor’s note: aside from my mom dancing and my dad being around… well, most anyone who isn’t our family).

The greater issue other than celebrating that this is probably the end of that godawful show is the fact that people have kind of embraced Charlie Sheen in the aftermath like he’s some sort of actually good guy deserving of our appreciation and best wishes.

I assume that between the quotes, t-shirt sales and people who actually paid to go to his tour thing, all of those supporters of his forget that he doesn’t make the show anymore because he coked himself fucking nuts. It’s not satirical. It’s not quirky. It’s sad. How often do you hear people talk about not giving money to the homeless because “…blahblahblah they’ll just use it to buy drugs blahblahrepublicanblah”? I’m sure most of those people will openly quote that horribly uncomfortable interview Chuck gave after his pornstar binge and not realize that the money they’ll be giving him for his shenanigans WILL BE GOING TO HIM BUYING MORE DRUGS. Circle of life, asscats.

Furthermore, what has Charlie Sheen actually done to warrant us hoping that he can “turn things around”? Outside of Major League and Platoon, he kinda sucks. He was in those Scary Movie sequels for Christ’s sake. Who gives a shit if he ever comes back? Are we really hoping he can get his head straight and sort through his “demons” (i.e. being too rich to die) so he can hopefully one day make  Men at Work 2: Back on the Grind? Let him go like we let Lindsey Lohan go.

If you were to poll the general public 5 years ago, shit, one year ago for this hypothetical survey, and ask them who would you be more jealous of, Emilio Estaves or Charlie Sheen… I’ll bet no one would say Coach Bombay. But honestly, I think he got the better end of the deal. Sure, he may not have as much money as Charlie but I’m sure those residual checks from The Mighty Ducks are doing him just fine. Plus, now he gets to hang out with the pops Martin and reflect on what a screw up his brother is and bask in the light of being the favorite son. Believe me, it’s a wonderful place to bask.

I fancy myself fairly hip to the tip of popular culture. I’m every bit as comfortable discussing Jonathan Franzen as I am discussing Jersey Shore. All encompassing Jeffreys is what they used to call me…

…

No they didn’t. But it’ll catch on one day!

Anyway, lets just go ahead and get to it. Tyler “All Encompassing” Jeffreys’ Best of 2010!

Movies

1. Toy Story 3: I’m so emotionally invested in the Toy Story franchise. My grandpa took me to the first one in the theaters. It sustains in my Top 5 Movies of All Time list. Toy Story 3 was every bit as wonderful as the first. You would think that they would be stale by now as the 3rd in the series usually is (Not you, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings)… but no way Jose. It’s still as charming and fresh and downright heart wrenching as the first. Bless your heart, Pixar. Keep it up.
2. Inception: Saw it 4 times in theaters. Still not totally sure what I saw. But I know it was dope and Ellen Page is actually tolerable if she’s not being quirky!
3. True Grit: Cohen Brothers have a way of not really making bad movies and this is just further testament to that. J.D. kills it again and gives me even more obscure Southern lingo to throw into conversations with my dad!
4. The Town: I’m getting to the end of my rope with Boston movies. The Departed set the bar too high and the accent is so easy to butcher… but hot damn this was super good. I hope Ben Affleck stops just starring in movies and realizes that when he writes/directs the movies, they always seem to come out good.
5. Red: Just downright fun.
6. Harry Potter: Now if it weren’t for my super babe of a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have been in to this like I was. But in my prior blog post, you know that I read all of the books to impress her. Two loves were born. One for her, and one for that Muggle raised, scar faced so-and-so!
7. Kick Ass: I’m a nerd. I like nerdy things. I write this as I look at some Star Wars Legos. This movie is no different. Plus I love when kids are violent.
8. Iron Man 2: Alright, alright, alright… Robert Downey Jr is on his grown man swag in recent years. No one out charms him. You’re close Colin Firth. Step it up, dude.
9. How to Train Your Dragon: I didn’t know that people NOT at Pixar made good kids movies anymore.
10. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: This movie walked the line of being almost TOO MUCH, but carefully tread that territory and was just nerdy/quirky/funny/violent enough to make me leave the theater smiling.

Albums

1. Big Boi Sir Lucious Left Foot The Son of Dusty Chico: Two years in a row that a rap album has been my favorite cd of the year. See, not everyone from the south is racist! I’ve been an Outkast fan for years, but honestly I always thought that Andre 3000 carried the group creatively. Boy was I wrong. Big Boi made an all around great album, filled with club bangers, back-packer tracks and just enough guest spots to mix up the flows. So fresh and so clean.
2. Childish Gambino Culdesac:  I’m not even upset that I’m pretty sure my girlfriend would break up with me if Donald Glover became available. CG has got swag for days and comes off as funny and clever without infringing on comedy rap. He’s serious and has a serious flow. Plus he’s the Arthur Ashe of hip hop:
3. Japandroids No Singles/Younger Us 7″: If I had a band, I would want them to sound like Japandroids.
4. Kanye West My Dark Twisted Fantasy: Absolutely, 100% fantastic production. Absolutely, 100% Kanye got whiny. This album isn’t as good as College Dropout or Graduation, but it’s still pretty solid.
5. Meridene Something Like Blood: I don’t like liking this because I’m pals with the singer. I don’t want to be the “Hey check out my friend’s band!” guy. But damn, Trevor, you did good.
6. Sleigh Bells Treats: Such nasty pop music. That right there is baby making music if you’re angry with your mate.
7. MGMT Congratulations: Who would have thought that two boys as boring as they are could much such fun dance music?
8. Ted Leo/The Pharmacists The Brutalist Bricks: Homer pick. I just outright adore Ted Leo.
9. LCD Soundsystem This Is Happening: I just love any music that my brother and I can agree on. You’re welcome for GAYNGS, by the way Rossy.
10. Tim Kasher The Game of Monogamy: Another homer pick. Dude’s got such distinct pipes and can write just magic songs. A couple songs on here are pretty bad, but the good ones are SO good.

TV Shows

1. Boardwalk Empire: This is the only show worth noting this year. Every episode was super dope and enthralling and had Omar from The Wire in it. Omar, Steve Buschemi, Boobs. What’s not to love?
2. The Walking Dead: Sure it was awesome, but I’m pretty sick of Zombies. There, I said it.
3. Bored to Death: This is a mention because I accidentally forgot it last year. But season 2 was awesome! There’s nothing to dislike about this show.

Adorable Things of 2010:

1. Sarah Marie Moran: She is just a dream. I have not had a sad day since I’ve been her boyfriend.
2. Pigs in rain boots: 
3. Bowser: But isn’t he every year?!!

Let’s see what you have to offer me, 2011.

Hopefully a job!

- Go to Portugal. Remember that 6th grade project you had and how dope Portugal sounds? You still don’t know anything about it, but no one ever really talks about visiting Portugal. It’s always Spain or Italy that gets the applause from America tourists. You don’t speak the language, but who gives a shit? That’s why you have a Blackberry. Let’s give The Gentle Land a little action.

- Wait for Mad Men, The Waking Dead and Breaking Bad to finish up their series and watch them in their entirety. They’re rad from what you’ve seen, but you don’t have the time to devote to them yet. It’ll happen to you.

- Work out some. Genetics are only going to take you so far. You’re always going to be lanky, though.

- Go outside. I’m sure there’s going to be something you’ll find in nature that you like to do. Either that or hopefully by then they’ll find a good way to show High Definition television in direct sunlight. (Side note: by the time this happens, all television will probably be in HD. Which in turn would make it standard definition… This is going to be a chore to explain to you future children.)

- Learn to make something peculiar. I can’t cook for shit, but I really want to be able to make the best biscuits or something else unexpected of me.

- Save some money. It’ll make life a lot less stressful. You don’t need all those Blurays, plus they’ll probably be obsolete soon anyway.

- Buy whatever comes after BluRay.

- Own a couple suits.  I read once that a man can live in London for 2 months with a grey suit and a blue suit. Work it out.

- Always call your mom, brother and Crowder. They’ll all love the tits joke you heard! (Sorry Mom!)

- Get a kickass puppy.

- Use your college degree in something. Who cares what, just don’t let all that procrastinating go to waste.

- Read a new book as often as possible so you can be pretentious.

- Just don’t read that book on a Kindle. That’s weak and too pretentious, even for you.

- Visit as many big cities and eat as many regional dishes as possible, just so you’ll be able to give sound suggestions to friends that will be traveling to these places.

- Never succumb to the pressures of going by Richard to seem more grown up. You’re a Tyler through-and-through.

- Be smart about things.

I love you, me.

Sincerly,
R. Tyler Jeffreys

I’ll explain a little further. I’m fairly skinny. From a distance I look pretty healthy. Heck it kinda looks like I work out some of the time. The truth is that I never really outgrew my childhood metabolism. I can eat literally ANYTHING I WANT and I’ll probably lose weight. At my age now I’m trying not to take this for granted, but years of reinforcement by my goddamn parent’s wonder gene have made that hard. A while ago my brother lost a ton of weight. Her name was Elizabeth. BA-DUN CHI! But seriously he lost a bunch of weight. He may have even gotten skinnier than me (bitch). Then comes Tyler home for a while during the summer. “Hey Ross let’s get Biscuitville!” “Hey Rossy, wanna late night Cook-Out Milkshake? I hear the Peanut Butter Oreo is to die for!” “Zacks. Now.” This is the Tyler effect is action. I drive people to gain weight. I’m not calling my brother fat because he’s far from obese and still skinnier than he once was, but being around me is definitely a risk factor for early diabetes.

Crowder is a more difficult subject because he plays golf every day and that’s almost exercise. That coupled with his mom’s cooking (I know my mom is reading this and I want you to know I love you, but your cooking is not technically a factor in Rossy’s example. Nothing against it, but c’mon… it ain’t Mary Jane Crowder’s cinnamon buns…) My time around him involves the same type of conversations that I just mentioned with Ross, but to a greater degree because Bug doesn’t have a job to take him away from me when I’m home.

But alas, I have been able to find a control. My girlfriend is not a victim of the Tyler Effect. She can nearly keep up with me in pizza consumption and wholeheartedly can overtake me in alcohol drinking and not gain a single pound. She’s a biological oddity as well! She does exercise and walk around a bunch for her job carrying shit and stuff so that has to contribute some to her being fit as a fiddle, but being around me normally knocks that out of everyone. Not this one, though. No sirree. She like a clownfish and the Tyler Effect is a school of jellyfish*. Bless her.

*I could’ve made that joke before seeing Finding Nemo, FYI.

So in the past years I have seen the Harry Potter movies 1-5, but hadn’t seen the 6th movie properly. This is where I’d start. Sure, I don’t know every intricate detail about the story but I’ve got a good enough grip on the gist that I can tread water at least. I care about Dobby. Dobby is my absolute dude. Big ol’ puppy eyes and all.

I’m going to go ahead and just say it: Harry Potter is radical. I am thoroughly impressed with how easy it is to read but at the same time how fun and engrossing it is. And at 600-something pages, and I apologize to my mom for this because I know she’s going to read it, it was probably the most I’ve read in college. But hey, I’m a month away from graduating and maintaining a 3.1 GPA in a history minor without reading is fucking impressive if I do say so myself. I graduate in a month, cut me some slack.

It was just in the agreement that I read the one book and she would watch Star Wars, but I’ll be doggoned if I didn’t like it so much that I’m reading the seventh book and nearly done with that sucker also. Hot damn. Having so much time to do nothing but read at work for 9 hours on Sundays will do that to me, I suppose. Any who, I have the 6th Harry Potter movie up next in my Netflix queue and I absolutely can’t wait to be incredibly white and pull the “Ohhh the book was so much better” card after I watch it. Nice.

SUB-BLOGS THAT I DON’T WANT TO CREATE NEW POSTS FOR:

- Duke won the National Championship. I couldn’t be happier with college basketball right now. UNC can’t even beat Dayton (which I’m pretty sure had 3 blind kids in their starting 5) IN THE NIT TOURNAMENT, while Duke plows it’s way through the tournament that people care about. What a lovely outcome. I’ve decided on some fallback careers for the starting 5 from Duke once their basketball careers are over:

1. Kyle Singler – You can continue to look like my dorm roommate Natey. I’ll pay you for that you magnificent Oregonian.
2. Brian Zoubek – Beard model. What a powerful beard for a powerful man. Take that Tyler Zinger or whatever your limpwristed name was on UNC. Pussy.
3. Lance Thomas – I’ll let you design my huge house’s art work with your art degree. Dope by me.
4. Jon Scheyer – You can father my children. Since I don’t have the proper parts to deliver them myself, you have my go-ahead to impregnate my future wife and I’ll raise those children as my own and probably love them more than I would love my own.
5. Nolan Smith – You’ll never stop playing basketball. You’re too good to quit. Play on, playa.

- Why do white people always think they have to wear floral shirts when in tropical locations? There’s no law and you don’t look local, you look exceptionally honkey and that’s not a good thing. I hate your guts. Enjoy your mai tai you jerkoff.

Go Duke. You totally just made up for how horrible this Panthers’ season is going to be.

Since maybe the fifth grade or so, Giacomo’s deli in Greensboro, NC has been the home to my favorite sandwich. The Meatball sub. Holy crap, it’s like angels mated with JJ Redick and bathed in Cheerwine, was sprinkled with powdered sugar, gummybears and Ren & Stimpy dvds. It’s an astonishing creation. Home-made Mozzarella, fresh ground meatballs, the sauciest marinara all brought together on the softest bun known to man. It’s perfection on a plate. Well it comes in basket, but plate felt better. Let it be.

As I ate my lunch today, though, my life has changed. I want to apologize to Giacomo’s. Your meatball sub held the softest part of my heart for many years. I still love you, don’t worry. I’ll celebrate every time I go home just at the idea of seeing you again.

But there’s someone else. I’m so sorry.

Water Street Deli. Philly Cheese Steak. Holy fucking cannoli.

I don’t like onions, this is well stated throughout my life. I don’t mind them on you. There is nothing I don’t like about this sandwich. You’re perfect. I literally get sad and angry when I finish you because you’re not there anymore.

And yes, if anyone is wondering, I have had a Philly Cheese Steak two days in a row. Sue me. There’s a lunch special.

I digress, Piebald is a kickass awesome best ever band from the Boston area. They make awesome kickass music that everyone should and does like. If you don’t like it, I don’t like you. I’m that pretentious serious when it comes to the ‘bald.

But as I mentioned before, I was watching the dvd and it reminded me of everything I love about them. So I made a list:

1. They’re a very tall band. I like that about them.

2. They synchronize head bang sometimes. How rock and roll is that?

3. Best. T-shirts. Ever.

4. Beards.

5. Their drummer’s girlfriend (Karen Barnicle of the band Barnicle) is an okay singer, but makes up for that by being wicked freakin’ cute.

6. They wrote the song “Put Your Slippers On Instead” which is the prettiest song ever written. It will be the song played at the first dance at my wedding. Yes. That’s my deal breaker.

In closing,

YOU MAY FIND THAT THE WORLD IS HARSH AND COLDDDD

BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE OR DO JUST WHAT YOU’RE TOLD

OR YOU MAY FEEL WEAK, WORRIED OR LONESOME

LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD IS CAVING IN AND YOU MAY NOT OVERCOME.

Put your slippers on instead.

I miss them so much.

No picture for this. Too sad about it.

That said, I am coming up on true adulthood pretty soon here and feel it necessary to reflect on a few things, so here it is. 2009, a year of lists in review:

Best Movie of the Year:

1. (500) Days of Summer – I love the crap out of this movie. Han Solo reflection may be the best scene in cinematic history

2. Inglorious Basterds – My whole liking of this movie rested on if they killed Hitler or not. It’s #2, soooooo… Sorry if I ruined it for anyone, but you should’ve seen it by now anyway.

3. Star Trek – I don’t think there was a time in this movie that I didn’t want to consider watching the tv show. It kicked all different sorts of intergalactic ass.

4. Sherlock Holmes – Aside from not really liking Jude Law that much to begin with, there wasn’t much I didn’t like about this movie. I’m a 23 year old heterosexual male, but if Robert Downey Jr. asked me to drop panty for him… I’m just saying maybe.

5. The Brothers Bloom – Adrian Brody can wear the absolute dogshit out of a suit.

Best Music of the Year:

1. Mos Def  The Ecstatic – How about that, Mos Def actually made a nearly classic album?

2. Japandroids  Post-Nothing – I’m sure they’re lovely people, but this might be one of the two good things to come out of Canada like… ever?

3. Pomegranates Everybody, Come Outside – It’s something that Cleveland can be proud of!

4. Modest Mouse  No One’s First and You’re Next - I know it’s pretty much just an ep, but it’s got some of the best songs they’ve ever written on it and it flows from one song to the next flawlessly.

5. The Swell Season  Strict Joy – Still adorable, even when they’re breaking up.

6. J Dilla Jay Stay Paid - Aside from having my favorite album title of all time, Dilla saved my life. RIP.

7. Coconut Records Davy – I’m white therefore have to like Jason Schwartzman.

8. Cursive Mama, I’m Swollen – It’s still growing on me, but the first 5 tracks are SO good.

9. The Mountain Goats The Life of the World to Come – Best lyricist ever taking on The Bible? Sign me up!

10. Raekwon Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II – Cocaine rap has the softest spot in my heart. Whole album is worth listening to just for Method Man’s verse on “House of Flying Daggers”.

Best Meals of the Year:

1. Every time I went to Five Guys Burgers and Fries: Literally every time I go there I think of a way I might be able to ask it to marry me, but then I realize it’s just a restaurant. God bless the East Coast for things like this.

Disappointments of the Year:

1. Clipse  Til the Casket Drops – Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

2. Piebald not releasing their farewell show DVD like promised.

3. Quantum of Solace sucking something fierce. Seriously, you went from Casino Royale to THAT?! Shaky cam chase scene followed by shaky cam chase scene followed by, you guessed it, a shaky cam chase scene.

4. Blockbuster store 55027 closing was pretty terrible.

5. Duke losing to Wisconsin – Officially making it 6 sporting events I’ve been to in a row where the team I’ve wanted to win has lost. AWESOME.

Favorite Television Shows that I Watched in 2009:

1. The Wire : I finished it in 2009, and I’m sorry The Sopranos but this is the best television show of all time.

2. Community : Aside from wanting to be (be on?) Joel McHale, this show is so consistently funny and wonderful. Plus Brita is babealicious.

3. Better off Ted : How awesome is this show? It’s a shame that it will be cancelled, I’m sure.

4. Jersey Shore : Holy crap, holy crap. It’s not a matter of how disgustingly obnoxious these people are, it’s how admirably they don’t care. They’re not stupid people, they understand exactly what they are and how other people view them, but they honestly don’t care. It’s genius. One of them will run for office and win sometime in my lifetime, mark my words.

5. Tosh.0 : The funniest stand up in the world didn’t disappoint with his show. The premise is pretty bad, but he makes it work. I love him. Aw.

Adorable Things in 2009:

1. Baby sitting in front of me on the airplane wearing a watch – HE CAN’T TELL TIME, BUT HOW FUCKING CUTE!!! My children will be wearing watches, that’s for goddamn sure.

2. Bowser – Just in general, really. But mainly for his acceptance of having to take bathes and for his late-night wake ups to go outside to retrieve the bones he remembered he left out there. Awwwww!

3. John Krasinski interacting with Maya Rudolph in Away We Go – Every girl should aim to have a guy like him. And with a beard like that.

2010 better rule hard, it’s got some pretty stout competition from last year.

I'mma hit you with a little double action for the new year!

Mazel Tov everyone!

If you’re uncoordinated and/or obese, you probably went tubing.

How in the world do I know that?! Because you left your lift ticket on your jacket.
This begs the question, in what instance do you need to prove to someone you went to do snowy mountain activities? Are you that untrustworthy of a person that your friends will call bullshit if you say “Oh when I was hittin’ the slopes the other day blahblahblah…” ?

C’mon America. Please.

- Where the fudge did all of my socks go?

- Same goes for my underwears.

- I still dress like a child.

My clothing, as a whole, are pretty much a larger (albeit not that much larger) version of what an average (re: awesome) third grader would wear. Bright colored t shirts (re: gay), velcro shoes (re: gay) and even brighter colored hoodies (re: alright).

This isn’t really anything new to me. In recent months I haven’t been wearing my most obnoxious t shirts to try and combat the elementary image I’ve been broadcasting for a while now. Tone it down a little. Earth tone it down a little. Booyeah.

Another thing with my clothing that I’ve come to realize more and more since being away from my mom is that I’m never quite sure what matches. But, as a deciding factor in what I’ll wear together to look fly like a mother fucker, I think of the manliest way to make sure clothes match ever!

…

I think about whether or not it is the colors of a sports team and if their jerseys look nice. I’ll set up a scenario for you:

Hmmmmmm what will match with this orange shirt… Hmmm… Cincinnati Bengals… black shorts!

Ummm how about these gold pants? Red shirt?! Thanks San Francisco 49ers!

How could I look even more girly? All Carolina Blue!? Gee Tyler Hansborough, you sure know how to look like a pansy! (re: UNC sucks)

There’s only so far my independence can go. Picking out clothing is not included in it.

Shit, this world is lucky I even wear clothes.

Giddy up, partner.